And if you thought you were busy, check this out: Under optimum conditions, one female cockroach can produce two million offspring in one year. An average breeding session produces 35,000 offspring.

Be Still And Know That I Am God

by Sherri Wilhelm

After a time of great upheaval in my personal life on many fronts, a few good friends scattered around the world urged me to "be still" and not to keep pushing forward when my soul and body were so depleted. I began to realize that stillness and restoration of body and spirit were truly what I needed. I started to think about what BEING STILL and solitude and spirit quietness meant and then determined to pursue them ~ slowing down the pace of my life to let Him come to me and heal me. Learning to be still so that I could experience His peace in my spirit between the anguish and the answers. Letting my soul catch up with my body.

Psalm 23:1-3a - He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.

Psalm 46:1,10 - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. The Lord of Hosts is with us. Be still (Cease striving) and know that I am God. I will be exalted in all the earth.

Isaiah 50:15 - In rest and return is your salvation. In quietness and confident trust shall be your strength.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty warrior. He will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing.

Just being still in God's presence goes against all we normally practice in our fast-paced world of cell phones, faxes, FedEx, the internet, email, etc. But that principle is thousands of years old and has stood the test of time.

Richard Foster - The Celebration of Discipline

"In contemporary society, our adversary majors in 3 things: noise, hurry and crowds."
"The world screams at us - faster, louder, more. God calls to us - slower, softer, less."

But it is so hard to make or take the time for this stillness.

Gaining more time is not an answer, but spending time with our loving, gentle Creator and Shepherd and Abba increases our time to explore and understand our needs and HIS agenda, and it brings the peace and solace we need.

We must intentionally seek the quiet places - Little pools of silence. We can look at our day or night creatively and cease for one brief moment as often as possible to worship God in the depth of our being/soul and enjoy the peace of brief communion - praise Him, entreat His help, offer Him the service of our heart; give Him thanks for all His loving kindnesses and tender mercies. We give our day to Him and allow Him to order it in His way and at His pace.

In The Garden (Hymn by Charles Austin Miles, 1913)

I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses,
And the voice I hear falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses.
And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.

Elisabeth Elliot (Newsletter)

Do you try to find a little quiet space in the day when you come before the Lord in complete emptiness so that His holy presence can fill your heart and calm your spirit? What peace it is to let fall before Him everything earthly, those things which worry and press so insistently for our attention, and then, quite simply, to offer up our hearts in loving adoration, trying to focus steadily on Him, His beauty and majesty, His merciful tenderness and changeless care for His own. To do this is to find things wonderfully simplified. The "look" of them is surprisingly altered. What weighed heavily on our minds diminishes to featherweight in His presence. Since all great concerns, both ours and those of the people we love, belong to Him who made us, we may turn them explicitly over to Him, not as a careless ridding ourselves of them but committing them to the hands in which we can be sure they are safe. This relinquishment assigns things to their proper places and we are helped to see them then in God's view - a very different perspective from our own."

Rev. Jack Hayford (PRAY magazine - February 2004) wrote about his experience in this realm. He wrote -

"I've been greatly blessed by the renewing power of solitude. I had been ill for several weeks, to the point of exhaustion. I felt a longing for SOMETHING from God. In the midst of a busy schedule I felt drained in my soul and exhausted in body. I set aside a little time devoted simply to BEING with Jesus. How well I recall sitting on the porch of a small mountain cabin. Just sitting. I talked quietly, informally to the Lord. I wept as I sang with a deep sense of longing, "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee." In that setting, one of the most memorable encounters of my entire life came when I was shown the sheer love of God. I can only describe it by saying, Jesus visited me.

I don't mean I saw an apparition. Nor was it a trancelike experience. But that day, as I strolled into a grove of trees, quietly expressing my thanks to God for His grace and goodness and patience with me, I was suddenly, powerfully, genuinely and humbly made aware of His presence. He made Himself known to me. Yes, it was emotional. No, it wasn't all in my head. In a way I will never forget, I was refreshed and reminded how infinitely gentle the love of God is and how fully His presence is available if I will give Him time, if I will withdraw from other persons and pressures and just let Him be made known to me. "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

All of us need frequent times of solitude when we can return to the center (In the Quaker community, it's called "centering down") to be centered in Christ and rooted in God. It's a place where we read Scriptures slowly and meditatively, are nourished and comforted and guided by this love letter. We are drawn into the grand silence of God where we gain intimate knowledge of the Father and are reassured that we are uniquely and unconditionally loved by the Father. We sit and look at the cross and reflect on the immense love of our Savior for US - for ME. We allow God restore our soul to its original purpose - to be the place where His glory dwells. We see His glory and enjoy HIM. In the quiet we receive a fresh inflow of the Father's love and life, and that inflow can grow and develop us.

To get there requires initiative, imagination and determination. We need both snatched times and sustained times that are more leisurely, turning off other noise and quieting our souls (e.g. while rocking or feeding babies, by walks during lunch breaks at work, while driving, taking walks, etc.) We don't wait for life to de-clutter or its messes to settle down or be cleared away. We draw near to God in the midst of life's mess.

Think of Jesus' example on many occasions where He found - or rather MADE time to pray and commune with His Father [Mark 6, Matthew 14:23, Luke 6:12] (when the crowds were pressing in; before choosing His 12 apostles; after receiving the news of John the Baptist's death on a very difficult day; when He took His disciples away after intense ministry (Come apart before you come apart!); in Gethsemane - where He poured out His anguished heart to the Father and received from Him the grace, courage and strength to go on to Calvary). He needed this and HE WAS GOD. Even He, the Son of God, with no sin to confess, no shortcoming to deplore, no unbelief to subdue, no lack of love to overcome - even He made time to pray. HOW MUCH MORE do we, broken as we are and disabled by many sins, need to be diligent in the exercise of private prayer.) Throughout Scripture, His life is an example of that BALANCE.

We need time out from our bustling, busy Martha-type existence to choose the better thing and to nurture the Mary within ~ to be still, to worship and experience God in a different way ~ time to listen, to be loved, to be re-energized with a strength beyond ourselves. It's all too easy to become consistently distracted like Martha by concern over the physical aspects/demands of life. We become so anxious that the urgent necessities tend to dominate and steal away any time we might spend in seeking His kingdom. We must learn to celebrate both stillness and busyness - recognize that God is to be found in both - and simply enjoy Him.

This is not simply another duty or obligation to make you and me feel acceptable to God - or guilty - or to earn us a place in heaven. Rather, it is building an ever more intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father.

I think that most of us would have to admit that we have Spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder. We don't focus well when we are trying to spend time with God. Our TO DO lists call out to us.

Why are we resistant to solitude and why don't we make it a priority? There is no entry place for it in our Daytimers. Perhaps we think it's not a productive thing to do. With our busy schedules, it doesn't seem profitable and we can't chart the results. We are products of an action-oriented, performance-based and outcome-based society. Or maybe we are afraid of what God will say to us - show us ourselves as we really are - some ugliness, wrong motives, shortcomings, selfishness, ambition, etc. - something we don't want to change. Perhaps we fear confronting the truth that we are not in control. If that is so, we still have much more to learn of grace.

Our prayers are usually vocal, busy, sometimes manipulative, and always achievement-oriented. To kneel in His presence and just allow music to wash over you so that you can "just be" with God in a stillness that convinces you that "He is" and "He is God" is new for most of us, and we view it as nonproductive, thus a waste of our time, or something that is a luxury that doesn't fit into our busy lives/schedules. We are so used to doing and achieving and talking. But when traumatized by need or when God leads us into brokenness, it is an incredible experience. But any time and often, we can simply stop to gaze on God and His Son, adoring and delighting in Him. We can meet with a magnificent God Who reveals to us His breathtaking splendor and tenderness.

Elisabeth Elliot (Newsletter, March/April 1994)

I think it is possible to learn stillness, but only if it is seriously sought. God tells us, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength" (Isaiah 30:15). The stillness in which we find God is not superficial, a mere absence of fidgeting or talking. It is a deliberate and quiet attentiveness - receptive, alert, ready. I think of what Jim Elliot wrote in his journal" "Whatever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." - Not so difficult, perhaps for a sports fan riveted on the game, but for me, this quietness in the presence of God, this being "all there" for Him, though I treasure it and long for it, is not easy to maintain, even in the beautiful place where I live. I am easily distracted, more so, it seems, as soon as I try to focus on God Himself and nothing else. ... C.S. Lewis puts his finger right on it in The Screwtape Letters when the devil is discussing with his nephew, Wormwood, the best ways to tempt the followers of the enemy, God - "Music and silence - how I detest them both." Why not try a Quiet Day or a Quiet Week without the usual noises? It might open vistas of the spiritual life hitherto closed, a depth of communion with the Lord impossible where there is nothing but noise. Does God seem absent? Yes, for most of us He sometimes does. Even at such a time may we not simply be still before Him, trusting that He reads the perplexity we cannot put into words? "

Brother Lawrence - Practice of The Presence Of God - 1600s

Although a humble cook, Brother Lawrence learned the greatest secret of living in the Kingdom of God here on earth: communing with the Lord throughout our daily tasks. He mastered the art of living in the presence of God throughout the day. As he exclaimed, "I am doing now what I will do for all eternity. I am blessing God, praising Him, adoring him, and loving Him with all my heart."

"I keep myself in His presence by simple attentiveness and a loving gaze upon God which I can call the actual presence of God, or to put it more clearly, an habitual silent and secret conversation of the soul with God. As for time formally set aside for prayer, it is only a continuation of this same exercise. Sometimes I think of myself as a block of stone before a sculptor, ready to be sculpted into a statue, presenting myself thus to God, and I beg Him to form His perfect image in my soul and make me entirely like Himself. The God of the universe, the Mighty One who loves us and saves us, wants us to live in loving communion with His presence. Every ordinary moment carries the possibility of awareness and encounter so deep and so close that it is like sitting down to share an intimate meal with Him."

He wrote of how he was able to progress from mere periods of stillness and worship to making that focus on God a part of every part of His days.

"The time of busyness does not differ with me from the time of prayer. In the noise and clatter of my kitchen while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquillity as if I were on my knees."

"Go through all the activities of your days in joyful awareness of God's presence with whispered prayers of praise and adoration flowing continuously from your hearts...Make a private chapel of your heart where you can retire and commune with Him peacefully, humbly, lovingly."

We can learn about living from a "still center" where God is free to reveal to us His plan for our lives, for that moment. There we get our marching orders and instructions. There we get filled with God's strength ~ through waiting on Him, as Isaiah 40:38-41 says. We will then learn to plan well ahead so we give ourselves the gift of times when our relationship with God can be renewed.

Time alone with God may be a scary thought to some. Solitude is the complete opposite of loneliness. Loneliness can exist in the midst of a crowd - or a marriage. Sometimes we have no option but solitude - like David in the years that he tended his sheep - and we are those who benefit from those years when he wrote many of his psalms. But solitude is where God develops us. (Jill Briscoe). In a crowd, He instructs, lifts, encourages, gives fun and relaxation - but He doesn't develop us there. The greatest transactions take place ALONE on my/your face before God. The most important things we'll ever learn are learned alone with God. There is a God who will hold us and tell us how much He loves us. We fill our lives with good things ~ Bible study, service, etc. and that is good and right, but we miss the best part unless we also make time to be alone with God, the King Who makes our hearts His dwelling place and reigns there, bringing righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17).

This is very different from the meditation of New Age or Hinduism or yoga, transcendental meditation, etc. This is a walk into God's presence where we behold the Lord, worshipping and praising and adoring Him, centered and focused on the Scriptures and what is revealed there of God Himself. We are hushed into listening at the center of our being, hearing Him speak to us as His beloved.

It's not a chant or a mantra - nothing magical or mysterious. It's not vain repetition or a walk into emptiness - staring at one's navel and humming. It's a letting go of all competing distractions until we are truly present where we are, aware of God's presence and truth. We can lift up and surrender our concerns, distractions, etc., releasing them into the caring and capable arms of the Father. It is more an experience of heart than of head and it begins in love for God. It is giving loving attentiveness to God and basking in the warmth of His presence, sensing His nearness and love. Emmanuel, God with us.

Did you ever watch a little child run to her father, hands outstretched, calling, "Pick me up Daddy!" See the delight on her face as she anticipates his embrace. No matter what our earthly father is like (and for some of us it is difficult to imagine our God as a beloved and welcoming Abba, Father), this God of the Bible is always there for us, pleased when we come into His presence, welcoming us with overwhelming love and when life gets rough or we feel weak or tired, or when we just want to thank Him for being there, we can run to Him, our Lord, with arms outstretched, and say with confidence, "Pick me up, Daddy."

In Psalm 103 we read, "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." The word "gracious" describing God comes from the Hebrew root that means "to incline oneself" - literally, to bow or bend, especially towards an inferior. It's an incredible word picture when God, in the midst of His people's weakness and failings says, "I am the God Who inclines Himself toward you, Who bows down to meet you on your level". "Merciful" comes from the Hebrew root that means "to enclose, provide every need, to hold and touch gently - it is even translated in some places as a woman's womb. So God says to us, "I am the Lord, the God Who looks you in the eye and wants to give you a hug." Isaiah 30:18 says, "Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him."

Check out what Shari Thomas wished she had known about church planting on Steve Brown's non-aerosol, REFRESHING blog: POOPED PASTORS.

My Top Ten Mistakes In Ministry (That I Can Share Publicly)

Originally posted on Steve Brown's blog.

by Steve Childers

An Introduction by Steve Childers

Introduction: Ladies First!

After more than 30 years of ministry experience as a church planter, pastor and seminary professor I think I’ve finally learned the secret to survival in the ministry: stop making the same old mistakes the rest of us have been making in the ministry for decades and start making brand new, bold, innovative and creative mistakes!

This is the first in a series of posts I’m calling, “My Top Ten Mistakes in Ministry (That I Can Share Publicly)”. But instead of starting with “My Greatest Mistakes–Part One” I thought it might be better to begin this series by allowing you the privilege of looking back at 25 years of real-life, in-the-trench church planting ministry through the lens of a good friend of mine, Shari Thomas*–a veteran church planter’s wife.

Knowing the depth of Shari’s spiritual maturity and the profound impact her ministry has had on so many Christian leaders (including me), several years ago I asked Shari if she would consider being one of the trainers at our annual Global Church Advancement North America Conference. She has been one of GCA’s most effective trainers ever since.

A few years ago I asked Shari if she would be willing to address all the conference attendees at our final plenary session–instead of only doing her excellent 6-session workshop alongside several others. She responded with her typical, refreshing, bold humility, “Sure! What topic would you like me to address?” I told her I’d like for her to answer the question, “What I Wish I Had Known About Church Planting”–and not hold back anything.

Below is a taste of Shari’s heart-felt answer to that difficult question. As you’ll see…she held nothing back. And I’m glad she didn’t.

A Church Planter Spouse Looks Back: What I Wish I’d Known About Church Planting! by Shari Thomas* (Given at the 2008 Global Church Advancement North America Conference.)

I wish someone would have told us (Shari and her husband, John), that we both would need a support system greater than just each other…

…that we would need coaches and mentors, and we should plan at more than one stage in the journey on getting counseling…

…and when we didn’t have this support system it would be up to us to seek it out!

I would have greatly benefited knowing that we needed to come to a mutual understanding and commitment about what my involvement in the church plant would be…

…that pursuing and nurturing my gifts was as important as nurturing his.

And that we would often need to review this involvement through out the stages of church planting and seasons of life…

…that when the children were young, my husband and children would require and need most of my time.

I wish he’d known how much I would need his support in sticking to these commitments rather than both of us rescuing ministries and people when they floundered.

I longed for someone to gently come alongside me and remind me again and again that what my husband needs from me most is love and respect.

He can find coaches, teachers, nags and critics in countless places. He already has one mother. And when it’s late at night and we are falling into bed that this is not the time or place to hear one more idea on how to make the church successful!

But at the same time I also wished he’d known how very important it was for the two of us to have our weekly “staff” times to talk about how the church and family life intersected.

I was a part of the church planting team and needed to know about the plant, give my input and have a place on the team. I wish we had spoken more openly about this to our staff as they too needed to work through their understanding of my role on the church planting team.

If I had known that my heart as well as our kids would be hurt, angry, and almost torn in two by this ministry we might not have planted a church

….but we also may never have learned the delight and satisfaction of pointing each other to Jesus, to the hope that only the gospel brings, and the deep joy of leading others to this hope.

…if we hadn’t planted a church I don’t know if we would ever have known the joy of watching the people we had led to Christ then turn and point our hearts to Jesus during our dark hours.

We would have benefited from being told that the question “should we stay in this church?” will be one that will haunt us through out our ministry lives. I was not prepared for him rolling over in bed doubting his call.

I didn’t know we would question if God had brought us here…that when my husband’s passion and energy for the church plant was waxing, mine might be waning and vice versa. It would have been helpful to know this was normal.

I am thankful that someone told us we would have to work harder for a marriage where there is spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy than we would have to work at planting the church…that this would involve sacrifice on both of our parts, and it would be well worth it.

…that this would mean being honest about the damage we both do to one another and then seeking reconciliation to whatever point was needed for the sake of the other.

…that repentance involved not a simple “I’m sorry” but asking the other person to tell how we had harmed them and to listen without defending.

That it would mean doing this over and over in our marriage…that it would mean being willing to give up church planting, even leaving ministry for the sake of loving the other person.

I am glad my husband learned early on that church planting gave him great freedom to creatively mold his schedule to fit the needs of both his family and the church.

I am grateful he takes time from church ministry to pour into the lives of our kids: working on school projects, creating feasts in the kitchen, taking vacations, catching the latest blockbuster, filling their lives with music, asking them the tough questions, drawing out their hearts, repenting openly before them…

…I love watching their eyes fill with pride when they introduce their friends to their dad. Nothing draws my heart to him more than that he loves our children so well.

And at the same time when both he and I love our kids poorly, I really wish I had known that the Christian life and Church planting was not about working so hard to get it right, be right, and do right.

That it was not my job to perfect myself. That even learning the gospel was not another tool to add to my arsenal of how to live a better life. But it was church planting that finally brought me to the realization that I can’t change myself.

That it’s not about what others say about me. That Jesus has already said, “It is finished.” That God’s verdict spoken over me comes before any of my performance, before I ever started on this journey of church planting…he delights in me already!

If I had known this, I would have enjoyed life so much more. But the journey isn’t finished and I’m planning on joining the party more these days.

But I am most grateful that my husband keeps learning that no one can pursue, strongly lead and cherish me the way he can.

…that when I’m withdrawn and discouraged, his gentle wooing speaks volumes.

…when I’m masking deep hurt with anger, his strong, consistent pursuit melts me like nothing else.

…when darkness has masked Jesus face, I have felt another strong hand leading me home.

…and when it’s all said and done, and we are at The Great Marriage Feast I will recognize the tastes and sounds and smells. The dance will be vaguely familiar…

…for hints of the realm unknown have drifted across the border land.

…and I have caught glimpses of what is yet to come for so many of you, my friends, my church family, my kids and my husband have shown me the way.

——————————

*Shari Thomas has been involved with her husband, John, in church planting for over 25 years both in North America and abroad. Shari serves on Mission to North America’s church planting staff as the Director of Parakaleo, a ministry primarily to church planting spouses. Shari and/or Tami Resch (also on staff with Parakaleo) lead the Women’s Forum (6 Sessions) at the North America GCA Conferences & Seminars. John is the director of global training for the Redeemer Church Planting Center in Manhattan, NYC. They have 3 children who amazingly still claim them as parents. They love sailing, only do legal drugs, and are known coffee snobs.

Do you Celebrate?

by Shari Thomas

On October 2-5 parakaleo held their first training event for coaches. We finally finished the first section of our tool kit and our coaches handbook. Is it cause for celebration? You bet. But you can guess what our temptation was after the event. We immediately wanted to talk about ways to make it better, correct any grammatical errors we found in our toolkit, ways to improve the training, and discuss the pieces we had not yet written. Do you ever do that? Do you tend to leave worship service and driving home in the car immediately begin to talk about what you'll do differently next Sunday?

Yet, when we look at creation, God finished and he pronounced it good and rested. One aspect of being created in his image means we work and we create. But do we also look at our work, see the good in it, and then rest? Or is the tendency to just write another list of how we will improve tomorrow? I think it's easier to find fault and criticize our work because shame feels so much more natural than glory does.

So after our training event, we decided to practice celebrating. Tami, Leanne, and I decided to tell each other what we did that was good in our work without self-criticism. To be honest we found it really hard to do. It was so much easier to say what we 'should have' or 'could have' done better. We even wrote it down on a card so through out our next day together we could remind ourselves what was good in what we had just accomplished. And then we went out for a great meal with a view of the changing Colorado leaves.

A big temptation I've found in church planting, parenting, and you name it, is always moving on to what's next, always the drive to improve what we've just done. But by practicing celebration, I've begun to find it is a way to join God in rest, to practice the Sabbath. Marva Dawn in The Sense of the Call - A Sabbath way of life for those who serve God, The church, and the world, speaks of the rhythm Sabbath celebration brings. As I've begun to practice celebrating, I've found my eyes opened to recognizing what God is doing, how he is using my work and the work of others. I begin to see larger kingdom impact from my work and how he is inviting me to join him. It might start with the bigger events like finishing our toolkit, but as we celebrate, it seeps down to the little daily events too. Like listening well to one of our kids. Getting the laundry folded. Taking extra time to help a neighbor. The question for me is, do I stop and celebrate?

What are you celebrating today?

Do you Mourn?

by Shari Thomas

Recently we heard from a church planting spouse about a member of their launch team leaving. I know all of us in the pastorate or church planting have the heart wrenching stories of letting people go. Below is a letter in response to one of the spouses in our parakaleo network.

I'm so sorry to hear about the family leaving from the launch team. Even though "they" always tell us to expect a complete turn over in our launch team, it always hurts. And it should. You've invested in these people and given time and energy to them. And they to you.

One thing I've learned over the years is to allow myself to grieve. For the little things and the big. "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted". I see the mourning in this verse as bigger than just for our own sin. We mourn the fall every time we mourn over illness, loss, relational disfunction, and all the things that the fall brings. Sometimes its our own sin and it's effect on others that is the cause for our mourning. But other times we mourn over the effect of other's sin on us. Someone from our launch team leaving may not be the direct result of sin, but the loss we feel after investing in someone, counting on them, and developing a friendship is hurtful. And it's a good reason to mourn. One day the effects of relational loss will be redeemed. But we currently live in the "not yet" period of history.

There is something inexplicable in mourning that is good... Comfort comes, but in ways unexpected. I've wondered if the reverse of that passage is also true. If we don't mourn, do we then not receive comfort?

One time I purchased black balloones when a key family left our church. They were friends. It hurt to see them go. Over the years I've also learned to be honest with people: "yes, it's hard for me that you are leaving." In this way I'm sharing my emotions without blame. In some churches they may have a send off at the end of a service for the person leaving. There doesn't always have to be reasons given, but the acknowledgement of the leaving is helpful for all involved.

With a very close couple on our church leadership team, we were invited for a good-by dinner. On the way, my husband and I discussed our response. We actually felt sick. We didn't want to go. We didn't want them to leave. We would miss them and we had invested in their lives and they in ours. We now were seeing them off to another church that would benefit from them. We didn't like it. We decided in the car that the best course of action would be honesty! Imagine that?! We were amazed how the evening turned out. Tears were shed. We knew we wouldn't see them and hang out as we used to and we told them. Another couple that was with us, shared their sorrow in seeing several of their friends leave and the pain it was to stay when close friends have gone. My husband shared his loss over not being able to pastor them in the next stage of their lives. We had been involved in their courtship, their marriage, the birth of their child. The evening wasn't about the 'why' of the decision but about our feelings. They shared their pain in working to bring about changes that didn't come. I shared the pain of seeing the same things but then the ambivolence I've felt over feeling like I didn't have the option to leave. They were able to see the effects of the pastorate on the pastor's wife. It turned out to be an evening filled with emotional health, honesty, real tears and sorrow. It was a good way to mourn the loss and disappointment for all of us. As we left their home, we all mentioned the health in responding this way, for them and for us. We had mourned. It was good and we were comforted.

Mourning is not always done that openly but I have found that naming the loss is incredibly important. And that it looks different in each occasion. When I mourn, as opposed to wailing on my bed, I don't carry the build up of hurts. I can't say how I mourn in every situation. Sometimes it's only something I can write about and tell God. Other times it's allowing tears. Or it might be recognizing my feelings and acknowledging them out loud. And yes sometimes it's being just plain angry over the effects of the fall. This is not how it's meant to be! Sack cloth and ashes may be very appropriate!

I am beginning to see when I mourn I am not as tempted to turn to complaining, blaming, or shaming. And then an incredible thing does happen. Comfort comes. Sometimes in the strangest ways. And I don't always put two and two together. I noticed though after our evening with our friends, I didn't go to shame over what we might have done wrong in the church that eventually led them to this decision. I didn't find myself blaming. The hurt over the loss was still there but I felt comforted. Eventually I even came to experiencing joy over knowing they would bless another congregation.

Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.

Help for Discouragement and Depression

by From The Seeking Heart by Fenelon

You get discouraged because your mind wanders too much? What do you expect? Theresa of Avila says, "imagination is the fool of the house." It concocts wild scenarios and takes you away from being aware of God in the present moment.

Go forward. Stop listening to all the horror stories your imagination whispers to you. Go forward. You feel sad because you look for God and do not feel His presence as much as you want. You tire of trusting God by faith. You tire of hanging in the air. You want to see progress! You make one mistake and fall into a depression. What pride! What self-obsession!

Love God and stay still before Him. You would rather punish yourself, and stir up a commotion, than forget yourself and look to God. Mourning your weakness will not make you better. It will only contribute to a good case of self-pity. The slightest glance toward God will calm you far more.

As far as a natural depression that comes from physical reasons, simply endure it in peace. Set your eyes on God. Do what He shows you to do. If He has need of you, fine. If He does not, then live before him in peace.

As for being disappointed in others, you must learn not to expect so much from people. It is the only way to avoid disappointment. You must take the fruit that a tree bears - but remember that some trees only put out leaves and caterpillars! God has an infinite amount of patience with you, as He does with all people. He is not even put off by their resistance to Him. Try to imitate His patience and mercy. Only imperfection is bothered by the imperfect. The more mature you grow as a Christian, the more patient you will be toward the faults of others.

When depression weighs you down, there are two things that might help you. First, relieve your sadness with the means that God gives you. Don't overload yourself with difficult things. Guard your strength of mind as well as your strength of body. Don't take more upon yourself than your courage can bear. Set aside time for being with God, for reading, and for good conversation. Take time for harmless entertainment which will relax the mind with the body.

Secondly, bear in peace all the feelings of sadness which still remain with you after you have done all these things to help yourself. Don't fight with them and they will go away in due time.

How Can I Learn To Be Still? A discipline to be cultivated

by Shari Thomas

Find a quiet time and your special place to meet with God. Maybe a candle, a lamp. Have your Bible and a pen and paper there to write down the things that come to your mind about your devotional thoughts or even your "To Do" list in your SADD (Spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder). The latter you can put aside to be tended to later, without fear of forgetting important details.
Select a passage of Scripture to meditate on ~ allow your thoughts to slow down and let God do the talking. ("Centering Down)"
Make it a time of readjustment of what you may have thought is important - we so often say - or think - "Don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING - when what we should be saying is, "Don't just do something, STAND THERE! (Or sit...) I've heard that we should be called HUMAN DOINGS instead of HUMAN BEINGS since that is what we are like... We have forgotten how to think and to be and to listen.
Learn to pray BREATH PRAYERS - Use a name and an attribute of God that fits your need of the moment, then add a simple request of what you are wanting God to do for you. Put them together and pray over and over as you breathe - "Faithful Shepherd, let me rest in You." Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me (or another)." " Holy Father, I adore You."
Allow your spirit to rise in a spirit of confession and repentance, running home to God.
Focus on listening ~ forget yourself and technique. Be teachable.
Ask God to come closer to you, to teach you how to slow your thinking and activity, and adjust the tuning knob so you can hear His voice and rest in His presence. Behold the Lord in an inward, steady gaze of your heart, basking in the warmth of His presence. Worship and adore Him.
Be careful not to try to presume to know what God is like, what the experience will be like, or what He will do. Center all you do on the truths of Scripture.
Never become discouraged. When your mind wanders, slowly and gently bring it back to the Scripture passage and to listening. Some days may be easier than others.
When finished, allow time to "settle in" and get refocused on what comes next (reentry).

Practical Ways To Learn To Be Still:

Take daily time with God, concentrating on His presence, warmed by His love and "Fatherness".
Cut out of your schedule all that is non-essential
Walk or drive to a quiet spot to think, read and pray
Make personal retreats ~ seek out and plan for them as often as possible.
Seek out the quiet ~ no TV/ or radio on. Tune in to music and uplifting programs only.
Set aside academics, usual patterns, formulas for a time.
Read about the subject of Solitude, and especially focus on what the Scriptures say.
Psalm 147:3 - "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Like David, strengthen your heart in the Lord your God, be encouraged by His love, blessed by His presence, refreshed by His fellowship.
Journal your thoughts and prayers.
Use your driving time to and from work or home. Your car can become your "chapel."

Corrie ten Boom said it best: "Don't wrestle; just nestle."

He is waiting - to strengthen, guide, and cherish us.

Be drawn back into the still place where God's voice is most clearly heard and where life can be viewed from His perspective - where true worship is born. Soak up the love of God by meditating on the Scriptures and through enjoying personal encounters with our living, glorious Lord.

Hymn, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus - by Helen Lemmel, 1922
Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in His wonderful face;
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Introduzindo Parakaleo para o Movimento Brasileiro de Plantação de Igrejas

by Cristina Caires

O QUE FAZEMOS:

NOSSA MISSÃO

A missão de Parakaleo é fortalecer o impacto da divulgação do evangelho causado pela Plantação de Igrejas, através de caminhar lado a lado dos movimentos e das famílias envolvidas na Plantação de Igrejas. Isto e feito através de Coaching, Conexão, Cuidado e Celebracao a fim de facilitar o treinamento adequado, o encorajamento e o cuidado das esposas de plantadores de igrejas.

Parakaleo conecta as esposas de plantadores de igreja umas as outras, não somente em sua própria região mas ao redor do país, fornecendo um sistema de apoio tão importante e necessário.

Estarmos conectados uns aos outros é um aspecto fundamental de sermos criados à imagem de Deus. Consequentemente, nós estamos comprometidas a desenvolver comunidades nacionais, locais e virtuais, reunindo suporte e recursos para movimentos de Plantação de Igrejas e as pessoas envolvidas nestes movimentos.

ONDE POSSO ENCONTRAR UM NETWORK?

Parakaleo tem networks estabelecidos em - Atlanta, Columbus, Southwest, Sand Diego, Mexico, Indiana, Seattle, Colorado, Montana e Wyoming e um crescente interesse tem acontecido dentro e fora dos Estados Unidos.

Agora estamos desenvolvendo Parakaleo Northeast e Cristina Caires vai estar trabalhando na area metropolitana de NY. Tendo nascido em São Paulo e mudado para os Estados Unidos nos anos 80, ela e seu esposo Darcy tem quase 20 anos de experiência na area de plantação de igrejas. 12 dos quais em igrejas de língua portuguesa. Ela vai estar colaborando na estruturação e desenvolvimento do ministério Parakaleo para igrejas americanas e introduzindo Parakaleo para o Movimento Brasileiro de Plantação de Igrejas.

Como esposa de Plantador de Igrejas, ela experimentou as alegrias da mensagem transformadora do Evangelho e as lutas de se encontrar no deserto muitas vezes. Ela acredita que através do ministério Parakaleo, esposas, igrejas e famílias pastorais podem ser fortalecidas, afetando assim diretamente o trabalho da igreja na comunidade.

PARA MAIORES INFORMAÇÕES:

Cristina Caires
ccaires@pcanet.org

Isolation and Loneliness in Church Planting Couples

by Leanne Downing

"I am a church planters wife, and I am lonely."

This is the opening line of an anonymous letter written during this church planter's wife (who I will call Katie), Katie's fourth year into the project. She continues to write...

"I have never been so lonely. It seems every circumstance has turned against me in my search for community. First, I really didn't want to plant a church at all or move away from our previous church, which was close to where my extended family lived. My husband decided (without me) that we would plant a church. In spite of me hiding my negative feelings from my children, they didn't want to move either and one of my son's went into clinical depression because of it. But, being the dutiful and submissive wife, I packed us up and moved across the country to plant a church. My husband and I ceased to communicate...he felt as if he was called to plant this church and was disappointed, even angry that I didn't share his vision. I felt as if he didn't care about me.

Then, to make matters worse (this is quite odd so God must have had His hand in it) many people, except my closest friends, when they found out my negative feelings towards the project, would say things like "You are hindering the work of God...you are bringing the project down". I was already emotionally distraught about my own feelings and could not bear the exhortations of others. I began to withdraw and keep to myself. After that, I began a downward spiral into loneliness and have yet to glimpse the light of day.

When we reached the field I felt separated from my husband, my home and friends not only a physical but also an emotional level. Then another odd thing... I didn't make friends. I couldn't seem to make real friends. I've tried to pinpoint the cause and I think, perhaps I was in such a hard emotional place and my spirit felt so hurt that I could not reach out to others nor did I have the desire to do so. I was middle aged with older children but our church began to be made up of young singles and the newly wedded. They considered me the respected "older woman" but not a comrade. There was very little fellowship for me. In addition to that, my husband and I did not take the time to build personal relationships with others for ourselves. We were constantly "outreaching" and having people in our home, but our focus was all on building the church. We were trying to plant in a somewhat "hostile to Christ" culture and it was not easy. Even when we found people who might have been good friends for us, we felt as if we could not take the time out to stop shaking new hands, so the potential relationships went undeveloped.

Looking back I can see what a mistake this was. However, when you are under a time limit with limited finances, there is the very real sense of fighting for survival and "having fun" sometimes goes to the back-burner. I sank into a depression. My husband wanted me to take drugs for the depression but I knew it was a situational depression (for which I blamed him) and thought the only reason why he wanted me medicated was to make his life easier. I told him I wanted him to walk through this with me. Of course, he loved that.

So, here I sit, four years later, still with no close friends and still as lonely as ever. My relationship with my husband is somewhat better. We ARE still married and that is something. I am beginning to feel a bit of emotional relief, now that it looks as if the church is going to make it.

In her letter, Katie describes several different types of isolations or loneliness, none of them uncommon among clergy and their spouses.

"Isolation and loneliness" as reported in research by Dean R. Hoge and Jacqueline E Wenger, "contributed directly or indirectly to pastors' moves out of local ministry. Of those who left due to sexual misconduct, 75 percent indicated that they were lonely and isolated. In all five denominational groups (studied), the top motivating factors for leaving were the same. Pastors reported:

'I felt drained by demands.' 'I felt lonely and isolated.' 'I did not feel supported by denominational officials.' 'I felt bored and constrained.'"¹

Webster's Dictionary defines loneliness in the following ways:

affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.
lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road.
standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower.

I know that I, myself, as a planters spouse, felt like a lonely tower for a very long time.

God encourages us to "not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another² and yet in today's independent culture and mobile society, deeply connecting to others in a significant and long-lasting way is a challenge. We are more independent, separate and alone than ever before. "Adults - especially those under 30 - regularly strive to be connected to a substantial number of other people and yet possess a nagging sense of loneliness, isolation and restlessness. The constant involvement with social networking via the Internet, text messaging and phone calls via mobile devices, and frequent appearances at common hangouts (think Starbucks, movie theaters and favorite restaurants) are manifestations of the investment in relationships and connections that are important but somehow not as fulfilling as desired."³

If the average person feels isolated and lonely, the clergy feel it double. Physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual loneliness are all players in a game that hinders life and ministry. The challenge is to understand and manage the circumstances that cause it.

Katie's letter above describes several isolating factors that come with a church planter's job:

Physical distance from friends and family.
General isolation that spouses feel toward each other due to the ambiguous and heavy demands of Church Planting while lacking an outside support system.
Life and work responsibilities that hinder developing deep relationships, including a lack of energy or time to pursue relationships that might nourish them.
Being in a unique leadership position which promotes a lack of self-disclosure and leads to loneliness ⁴
Social stigma of being ministers of Christ in a secular environment (the odd-man-out syndrome).
Developing a community for which the pastoring family might not have a natural affinity. (In Katie's case, having a community of all young families instead of families in their own stage of life, lack of a youth group for the children etc.)
Feelings of being on their own with "nowhere to go for help".

Let's look at these in more depth.

Significant Separations

Separations from important relationships and lack of support systems: Moving to a new place is difficult for any family. For a church planter's family the transition is especially hard because they have moved to start a new church. Where many, new to a community, find a church for support and fellowship, the planter's family begins alone, or with a small core group at best. When my husband and I moved to Denver, we had met one couple, only once, before the move. Hitting the ground running with no local support or fellowship is difficult.

It is not uncommon for a planter-family to divide over serious family vs. ministry decisions. How many nights a week can the couple give up family time for the sake of outreach? Should the children be put in a school according to their own needs or for the sake of reaching the community? How many children's activities should be forsaken for time given to the church plant? How involved should a spouse and children be in the plant? Can the spouse pursue her own career?

In a sixth grade school paper, my daughter once wrote, "everyone in our family did their part to plant our church." Children as well as the parents contribute, even sacrifice, for the Plant. How far each individual is willing or not willing to go can cause great emotional divides and, if not handled with care, can create grave consequences in families.

Katie's letter demonstrates other relational losses as well. She was dealing with a depressed son and the emotional separation from her husband. This eventually led to her own depression, which increased her withdrawal. While she still seemed to function on a surface level conducting the needed outreach for the church, she became unable to develop new significant relationships for herself. She considered her new relationships shallow and one-sided.

Loss of Self: Though Katie does not say so in her letter, because she is a personal friend, I know during this time she suffered something of a "separation from self". Before moving to the field, she had been vivacious and active in her community. She had numerous personal accomplishments and was a very interesting person. After she moved to the field, life began to revolve entirely around the church plant. She confided in me that, at one small group meeting where she was asked to tell something about herself, the only thing she could think of to say was, "I am my husband's wife". She had, in effect, been separated from herself and her identity as she fulfilled the role of the Planter's Spouse. In ideal circumstances the spouse will take on this role with enthusiasm. Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen that way.

(Note: Professional counselors will say this couple was having such difficulty in their own relationship that they never should have gone to the field. This particular couple had been assessed and approved by two denominations and two very respected assessment centers. Life is dynamic however-things change. Some issues remain hidden. It is ideal that these problems are caught before couples move to the field, but sometimes they are not. In addition, the task of Church Planting itself will surface problems that have not been seen before. Stories such as Katie's are, sadly, not uncommon.)

Isolations of the Job

Isolation of being a sold out, weird radical. Being a leader of any sort comes with its isolating factors.⁵ Add the emotionally charged "spiritual leader" element and once again, the separations exponentially increase. When meeting and befriending non-believers, the planters might feel the general tensions that Christ can generate in any relationship of that sort. Being the leader of a church may increase the perception that they are a "sold out, weird radical". If the planter is in a particularly secular society that might be hostile to the Gospel, these "odd man out" feelings can increase even more.

Within the church, Christians may scrutinize their leaders through a microscope. A clergy's freedom to share honestly and openly can be a dangerous activity. Trusting one's self to others necessarily comes slowly and cautiously. As a very experienced church planters spouse told me recently, sometimes she feels as if "there is no safe place" for her.

The isolation of being Father/Mother Confessor. Though clergy may not feel free to share their own secrets, they bear those of others. Having the "inside scoop" of their congregants, they, many times, are bound to secrecy. This keeps them in isolation and carrying the burdens alone, except for Jesus. Counselors, lawyers and doctors all practice the same type of confidentiality. However, there is one very significant difference. The clergy couple carry the confidences of those with whom they also socialize. They do not see "patients" or "clients" and then retreat to a separate social network.

The isolation of the good or bad face. Ironically, though pastors and spouses may carry intimate knowledge of their congregants, on the flip side of the coin, frequently their congregants will be less than forthcoming about their true opinions. Wanting to maintain the "good-face" that insures the spiritual leader's pleasure, they will hide what would be challenges to the pastor. They may talk to others, but not to the couple. My husband and I recently experienced this when our church was going through some major changes. I shared my isolated feelings in my community group. After making my feelings known, many of those people saw fit to have honest and constructive conversations with me. It was a relief.

Conversely there are always those who show their "bad faces" and feel their life calling is to keep the pastor "in line". These people are contentious, divisive and inflammatory, isolating the pastor's family by making them the brunt of heavy criticism.

It is a rare person who cares for and gives grace to the pastoring family while being willing to gently come alongside with a challenge if one is needed.

The isolation of lacking peers. In addition, the role of a planter-pastor couple is quite unique with it's own set of problems. Finding comrades-at-arms is a challenge. Heavy work demands, as the couple is "fighting for survival", limit free time to care for themselves and build relationships with others. In addition, many spouses find themselves ministering to congregations that they might not naturally connect with. As one spouse put it "my husband has chosen to build a church congregation and atmosphere that is so unlike me. They value openness and 'telling all' while I am more private and an introvert. I am uncomfortable to be in it."

All of these things add to isolation and loneliness.

As we see, pastors, planters and their families have great potential to become super-alone. Aloneness can be crippling. Psychologist John Cox once told me he would see his patients "pray and pray about something but it is not until they come out of isolation and into fellowship with others about the problem will they begin to heal."

Research shows that loneliness is "related to a self-perceived lack of self-disclosure to significant others".⁶ In other words, those people who do not have transparent relationships with others and are still loved, are significantly lonelier than those who do. Usually this lack of vulnerability comes from an inability to trust others and stems from dysfunctional childhood families and relationships.⁷ But for a pastoring couple, this may come from high expectations of the job coupled with a lack of grace for their brokenness from others. Having been burned a few times the pastoring couple will tend to withdraw.

Emotional, psychological and physiological factors: Considering all the above, it is no wonder that church planters or their spouses might begin to withdraw from others, lose personal energy and as Katie did, begin to experience depression. 88% of pastor's spouses, in a study by Focus on the Family, reported dealing with depression at some time in their ministry.⁸ The isolation of depression is difficult. When someone is depressed they no longer have the ability to seek help for themselves. They will stop reaching out to others or return others' efforts to get in touch with them. Nothing anyone says will matter. At this point, they need to be rescued.⁹

Spiritual Loneliness

Entwining everything, inside of all of us, is a spiritual loneliness that does not go away. The Germans have a word for that feeling...it is "Sehnsucht". Sehnsucht is a "deep yearning or poignant desire for something agonizingly elusive...a haunting longing...that full, heavy, enveloping nostalgia for a fulfillment that awaits (us) in something somewhere"¹⁰. I call it being homesick for Heaven. When our earthly lonelinesses abound, this type of loneliness will either increase as the person withdraws from God, or decrease as the person draws closer to God. Katie's response was to draw closer to God. Her letter continues when she says...

"My relationship with God, however, has exploded in goodness. I know, though these are such strange and painful circumstances for me, it has been of God's design. I have begun embracing pain, not running from it. I am beginning to see Him in this circumstance though it has been excruciating and pushed me to question my faith at it's core."

However, if isolation causes a person to take the path away from God, there will many times be a refining of faith, but it is a desperate road filled with disillusionment, anger, bitterness at God and sometimes results in leaving the ministry or even the faith altogether.

What is one to do?

The following pages offer tools with which to help you and help others¹¹. There are further writings on depression, relationships, charts and websites that might be great resources for you or others you know.

(The helps are available on request from Parakaleo)

Footnotes

¹ Dean R Hoge and Jacqueline E. Wenger: Pastors in Transition: Why Clergy Leave Local Church Ministry.

² Hebrews 10:25 The Bible New International Version

³ The Barna Group Ltd. 2007

⁴ Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1982 Sep; 43(3): 524-31

⁵ J Pers Soc Psychol. 1982 Sep; 43(3): 524-31.

⁶ J Pers Soc Psychol. 1982 Sep;43(3):524-31

⁷ J Psychol. 1982 Sep;112(1st Half):129-33, Adolescence. 2000 Winter;35(140):611-7, Health Soc Work. 1995 Feb;20(1):52-9

⁸ Newsweek, April 23 2007 Page 10

⁹ "Tool for Ministering to Those in Depression": Parakaleo Church Planting Tool Kit

¹⁰ Terry Lindvall, "Surprised by Laughter: the comic world of C. S. Lewis" 52.

¹¹ Parakaleo Church Planting Tool Kit

Moving from Solitude to Community to Ministry

by Henri Nouwen

The word discipleship and the word discipline are the same word - that has always fascinated me. Once you have made the choice to say, "Yes, I want to follow Jesus, " the question is, "What disciplines will help me remain faithful to that choice?" If we want to be disciples of Jesus we have to live a disciplined life.

By discipline, I do not mean control. If I know the discipline of psychology or of economics, I have a certain control over a body of knowledge. If I discipline my children, I want to have a little control over them.

But in the spiritual life, the word discipline means "the effort to create some space in which God can act." Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up. Discipline means that somewhere you're not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn't planned or counted on.

I think three disciplines are important for us to remain faithful, so we not only become disciples, but also remain disciples. These disciplines are contained in one passage from Scripture with which we're familiar, but one that we may be surprised to find speaks about discipline.

"Now it happened in those days that Jesus went onto the mountain to pray, and he spent the whole night in prayer to God. When day came, he summoned his disciples and picked out twelve of them and called them apostles: Simon, whom he called Peter; and his brother, Andrew; James; John; Philip; Bartholomew; Matthew; Thomas; James, son of Alphaeus; Simon, called the Zealot; Judas, son of James; and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor.

"He then came down with them and stopped at a piece of level ground where there was a large gathering of his disciples. There was a great crowd of people from all parts of Judea and Jerusalem and the coastal region of Tyre and Sidon, who had come to hear him and be cured of their diseases. And people tormented by unclean spirits were also cured. Everyone in the crowd was trying to touch him because power came out of him that cured them all." (Luke 6:12-19).

This is a beautiful story that moves from night to morning to afternoon. Jesus spent the night in solitude with God. In the morning, he gathered his apostles around him and formed community. In the afternoon, with his apostles, he went out and preached the Word and healed the sick.

Notice the order-from solitude to community to ministry. The night is for solitude; the morning for community; the afternoon for ministry.

So often in ministry, I have wanted to do it by myself. If it didn't work, I went to others and said, "Please!" searching for a community to help me. If that didn't work, maybe I'd start praying.

But the order that Jesus teaches us is the reverse. It begins by being with God in solitude; then it creates a fellowship, a community of people with whom the mission is being lived; and finally this community goes out together to heal and to proclaim good news.

I believe you can look at solitude, community, and ministry as three disciplines by which we create space for God. If we create space in which God can act and speak, something surprising will happen. You and I are called to these disciplines if we want to be disciples.

Solitude

Solitude is being with God and God alone. Is there any space for that in your life?

Why is it so important that you are with God and God alone on the mountaintop? It's important because it's the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. To pray is to listen to the One who calls you "my beloved daughter," "my beloved son," "my beloved child." To pray is to let that voice speak to the center of your being, to your guts, and let that voice resound in your whole being.

Who am I? I am the beloved. That's the voice Jesus heard when he came out of the Jordan River: "You are my beloved; on you my favor rests." And Jesus says to you and to me that we are loved as he is loved. That same voice is there for you. When you are not claiming that voice, you cannot walk freely in this world.

Jesus listened to that voice all the time, and he was able to walk right through life. People were applauding him, laughing at him; praising him and rejecting him; calling "Hosanna!" and calling "Crucify!" But in the midst of that, Jesus knew one thing-I am the beloved; I am God's favorite one. He clung to that voice.

There are many other voices speaking-loudly: "Prove that you are the beloved." "Prove you're worth something." "Prove you have any contribution to make." "Do something relevant." "Be sure you make a name for yourself." "At least have some power-then people will love you; then people will say you're wonderful, you're great."

These voices are so strong in this world. These were the voices Jesus heard right after he heard "You are my beloved." Another voice said, "Prove you are the beloved. Do something. Change these stones into bread. Be sure you're famous. Jump from the temple, and you will be known. Grab some power so you have real influence. Don't you want some influence? Isn't that why you came?"

Jesus said, "No, I don't have to prove anything. I am already the beloved."

I love Rembrandt's painting The Return of the Prodigal Son. The father holds his son, holds his daughter, and touches his son and his daughter and says, "You are my beloved. I'm not going to ask you any questions. Wherever you have gone, whatever you have done, and whatever people say about you, you're my beloved. I hold you safe in my embrace. I touch you. I hold you safe under my wings. You can come home to me whose name is Compassionate, whose name is Love."

If you keep that in mind, you can deal with an enormous amount of success as well as an enormous amount of failure without losing your identity, because your identity is that you are the beloved. Long before your father and mother, your brothers and sisters, your teachers, your church, or any people touched you in a loving as well as in a wounding way-long before you were rejected by some person or praised by somebody else-that voice has been there always. "I have loved you with an everlasting love." That love is there before you were born and will be there after you die.

A life of fifty, sixty, seventy, or a hundred years is just a little moment in which you can say, "Yes, I love you too." God has become so vulnerable, so little, so dependent in a manger and on a cross and is begging us, "Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you really love me?"

That's where ministry starts, because your freedom is anchored in claiming your belovedness. That allows you to go into this world and touch people, heal them, speak with them, and make them aware that they are beloved, chosen, and blessed.

When you discover your belovedness by God, you see the belovedness of other people and call that forth. It's an incredible mystery of God's love that the more you know how deeply you are loved, the more you will see how deeply your sisters and your brothers in the human family are loved.

Now this is not easy. Jesus spent the night in prayer. That's a picture of the fact that prayer is not something you always feel. It's not a voice you always hear with these ears. It's not always an insight that suddenly comes to you in your little mind. (God's heart is greater than the human heart, God's mind is greater than the human mind, and God's light is so great that it might blind you and make you feel like you're in the night.)

But you have to pray. You have to listen to the voice who calls you the beloved, because otherwise you will run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. And then you're not free.

Oh, if we could sit for just one half hour a day doing nothing except taking a simple word from the gospel and putting it in front of us-say, "The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want." Say it three times, and we know it's not true, because we want many things. That's exactly whey we're so nervous. But if we keep saying the truth, the real truth-"The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want"- and let the truth descend from our mind into our heart, gradually those words are written on the walls of our inner holy place. That becomes the space in which we can receive our colleagues and our work, our family and our friends, and the people whom we will meet during the day.

The trouble is, as soon as you sit and become quiet, you think, Oh, I forgot this. I should call my friend. Later on I'm going to see him. Your inner life is like a banana tree filled with monkeys jumping up and down.

It's not easy to sit and trust that in solitude God will speak to you-not as a magical voice but that he will let you know something gradually over the years. And in that word from God you will find the inner place from which to live your life.

Solitude is where spiritual ministry begins. That's where Jesus listened to God. That's where we listen to God.

Sometimes I think of life as a big wagon wheel with many spokes. In the middle is the hub. Often in ministry, it looks like we are running around the rim trying to reach everybody. But God says, "Start in the hub; live in the hub. Then you will be connected with all the spokes, and you won't have to run so fast."

Community

It's precisely in the hub, in that communion with God, that we discover the call to community. It's remarkable that solitude always calls us to community. In solitude you realize you're part of a human family and that you want to lift something together.

By community, I don't mean formal communities. I mean families, friends, parishes, twelve-step programs, prayer groups. Community is not an organization; community is a way of living: you gather around you people with whom you want to proclaim the truth that we are the beloved sons and daughters of God.

Community is not easy. Somebody once said, "Community is the place where the person you least want to live with always lives." In Jesus' community of twelve apostles, the last name was that of someone who was going to betray him. That person is always in your community somewhere; in the eyes of others, you might be that person.

I live in a community called Daybreak-one of over a hundred communities throughout the world where children, men, and women who are mentally disabled and those who assist them live together. We share all aspects of day-to-day living. Nathan, Janet, and all the other people of our community know how hard it is and how beautiful it is to live together.

Why is it so important that solitude come before community? If we do not know we are the beloved sons and daughters of God, we're going to expect someone in the community to make us feel that way. They cannot. We'll expect someone to give us that perfect unconditional love. But community is not loneliness grabbing onto loneliness: "I'm so lonely, and you're so lonely." It's solitude grabbing onto solitude: "I am the beloved; you are the beloved; together we can build a home." Sometimes you are close, and that's wonderful. Sometimes you don't feel much love, and that's hard. But we can be faithful. We can build a home together and create space for God and for the children of God.

Within the discipline of community are the disciplines of forgiveness and celebration. Forgiveness and celebration are what make community, whether a marriage, a friendship, or any other form of community.

What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is to allow the other person not to be God. Forgiveness says, "I know you love me, but you don't have to love me unconditionally, because no human being can do that."

We all have wounds. We all are in so much pain. It's precisely this feeling of loneliness that lurks behind all our successes, that feeling of uselessness that hides under all the praise, that feeling of meaninglessness even when people say we are fantastic-that is what makes us sometimes grab onto people and expect from them an affection and love they cannot give.

If we want other people to give us something that only God can give, we become a demon. We say, "Love me!" and before you know it we become violent and demanding and manipulative. It's so important that we keep forgiving one another-not once in a while, but every moment of life. Before you have had your breakfast, you have already had at least three opportunities to forgive people, because your mind is already wondering, What will they think about me? What will he or she do? How will they use me?

To forgive other people for being able to give you only a little love-that's a hard discipline. To keep asking others for forgiveness because you can give only a little love-that's a hard discipline, too. It hurts to say to your children, to your wife or your husband, to your friends, that you cannot give them all that you would like to give. Still, that is where community starts to be created, when we come together in a forgiving and undemanding way.

This is where celebration, the second discipline of community, comes in. If you can forgive that another person cannot give you what only God can give, then you can celebrate that person's gift. Then you can see the love that person is giving you as a reflection of God's great unconditional love. "Love one another because I have loved you first." When we have known that first love, we can see the love that comes to us from people as the reflection of that. We can celebrate that and say, "Wow, that's beautiful!"

In our community, Daybreak, we have to do a lot of forgiving. But right in the midst of forgiving comes a celebration: we see the beauty of people who quite often are considered marginal by society. With forgiveness and celebration, community becomes the place where we call forth the gifts of other people, lift them up, and say, "You are the beloved daughter and the beloved son."

To celebrate another person's gift doesn't mean giving each other little compliments-"You play the piano better"; "You are so good in singing." No, that's a talent show.

To celebrate each other's gifts means to accept each other's humanity. We see each other as a person who can smile, say "Welcome," eat, and make a few steps. A person who in the eyes of others is broken suddenly is full of life, because you discover your own brokenness through them.

Here is what I mean. In this world, so many people live with the burden of self-rejection: "I'm not good. I'm useless. People don't really care for me. If I didn't have money, they wouldn't talk to me. If I didn't have this big job, they wouldn't call me. If I didn't have this influence, they wouldn't love me." Underneath a successful and highly praised career can live a fearful person who doesn't think much of himself or herself. In community comes that mutual vulnerability in which we forgive each other and celebrate each other's gifts.

I have learned so much since coming to Daybreak. I've learned that my real gifts are not that I write books or that I went to universities. My real gifts are discovered by Janet and Nathan and others who know me so well they cannot be impressed any more by this other stuff. Once in a while they say, "I have good advice: Why don't you read some of your own books?"

There is healing in being known in my vulnerability and impatience and weakness. Suddenly I realize that Henri is a good person also in the eyes of people who don't read books and who don't care about success. These people can forgive me constantly for the little egocentric gestures and behaviors that are always there.

Ministry

All the disciples of Jesus are called to ministry. Ministry is not, first of all, something that you do (although it calls you to do many things). Ministry is something that you have to trust. If you know you are the beloved, and if you keep forgiving those with whom you form community and celebrate their gifts, you cannot do other than minister.

Jesus cured people not by doing all sorts of complicated things. A power went out from him, and everyone was cured. He didn't say, "Let me talk to you for ten minutes, and maybe I can do something about this." Everyone who touched him was cured, because a power went out from his pure heart. He wanted one thing-to do the will of God. He was the completely obedient one, the one who was always listening to God. Out of this listening came an intimacy with God that radiated out to everyone Jesus saw and touched.

Ministry means you have to trust that. You have to trust that if you are the son and daughter of God, power will go out from you and that people will be healed. "Go out and heal the sick. Walk on the snake. Call the dead to life." This is not small talk. Yet Jesus said, "Whatever I do, you can do too and even greater things." Jesus said precisely, "You are sent into the world just as I was sent into the world-to heal, to cure."

Trust in that healing power. Trust that if you are living as the beloved you will heal people whether or not you notice it. But you have to be faithful to that call.

Healing ministry can be expressed in two words: gratitude and compassion. Healing happens often by leading people to gratitude, for the world is full of resentment. What is resentment? Cold anger. "I'm angry at him. I'm angry at this. This is not the way I want it." Gradually, there are more and more things I am negative about, and soon I become a resentful person.

Resentment makes you cling to your failures or disappointments and complain about the losses in you life. Our life is full of losses-losses of dreams and losses of friends and losses of family and losses of hopes. There is always the lurking danger we will respond to these incredible pains in resentment. Resentment gives us a hardened heart.

Jesus calls us to gratitude. He calls to us, "you foolish people. Didn't you know that the Son of Man-that you, that we-have to suffer and thus enter into the glory? Didn't you know that these pains were labor pains that lead you to the joy? Didn't you know that all we are experiencing as losses are gains in God's eyes? Those who lose their lives will gain it. And if the grain doesn't die, it stays a small grain; but if it dies, then it will be fruitful."

Can you be grateful for everything that has happened in your life-not just the good things but for all that brought you to today? It was the pain of a Son that created a family of people known as Christians. That's the mystery of God.

Our ministry is to help people to gradually let go of the resentment, to discover that right in the middle of pain there is a blessing. Right in the middle of your tears-that's where the dance starts and joy is first felt.

In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom.

Jesus says, "Cry over your pains, and you will discover that I'm right there in your tears, and you will be grateful for my presence in your weakness." Ministry means to help people become grateful for life even with pain. That gratitude can send you into the world precisely to the places where people are in pain. The minister, the disciple of Jesus, goes where there is pain not because he is a masochist or she is a sadist, but because God is hidden in the pain.

"Blessed are the poor." Jesus doesn't say, "Blessed are those who care for the poor"; he says, "Blessed are the poor. Blessed are the mourning. Blessed are those who have pain. There I am." To minister, you have to be where the pain is. Sometimes that pain is hidden in a person who from the outside might look painless or successful.

Compassion means to suffer with, to live with those who suffer. When Jesus saw the woman of Nain he realized, This is a widow who has lost her only son, and he was moved by compassion. He felt the pain of that woman in his guts. He felt her pain so deeply in his spirit that out of compassion he called the son to life so he could give that son back to his mother.

We are sent to wherever there is poverty, loneliness, and suffering to have the courage to be with people. Trust that by throwing yourself into that place of pain you will find the joy of Jesus. All ministries in history are built on that vision. A new world grows out of compassion.

Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate. It's a great call. But don't be fearful; don't be afraid. Don't say, "I can't do that."

When you are aware that you are the beloved, and when you have friends around you with whom you live in community, you can do anything. You're not afraid anymore. You're not afraid to knock on door while somebody's dying. You're not afraid to open a discussion with a person who underneath all the glitter is much in need of ministry. You're free.

I've experienced that constantly. When I was depressed or when I felt anxious, I knew my friends couldn't solve it. Those who ministered to me were those who were not afraid to be with me. Precisely where I felt my poverty I discovered God's blessing.

Just a few weeks ago a friend of mine died. He was a classmate and they sent me the tape of his funeral service. The first reading in that service was a story about a little river. The little river said, "I can become a big river." It worked hard, but there was a big rock. The river said, "I'm going to get around this rock." The little river pushed and pushed, and since it had a lot of strength, it got itself around the rock.

Soon the river faced a big wall, and the river kept pushing this wall. Eventually, the river made a canyon and carved a way through. The growing river said, "I can do it. I can push it. I am not going to let down for anything."

Then there was this enormous forest. The river said, "I'll go ahead anyway and just force these trees down." And the river did.

The river, now powerful, stood on the edge of an enormous desert with the sun beating down. The river said, "I'm going to go through this desert." But the hot sand soon began to soak up the whole river. The river said, "Oh, no. I'm going to do it. I'm going to get myself through this desert." But the river soon had drained into the sand until it was only a small mud pool.

Then the river heard a voice from above: "Just surrender. Let me lift you up. Let me take over."

The river said, "Here I am."

The sun then lifted up the river and made the river into a huge cloud. He carried the river right over the desert and let the cloud rain down and make the fields far away fruitful and rich.

There is a moment in our life when we stand before the desert and want to do it ourselves. But there is the voice that comes, "Let go. Surrender. I will make you fruitful. Yes, trust me. Give yourself to me."

What counts in your life and mine is not successes but fruits. The fruits of your life you might not see yourself. The fruits of your life are born often in your pain and in your vulnerability and in your losses. The fruits of your life come only after the plow has carved through your land. God wants you to be fruitful.

The question is not, "How much can I still do in the years that are left to me?" The question is, "How can I prepare myself for total surrender so my life can be fruitful?"

Our little lives are small, human lives. But in the eyes of the One who calls us beloved, we are great-greater than the years we have. We will bear fruits, fruits that you and I will not see on this earth but in which we can trust.

Solitude, community, ministry-these disciplines help us live a fruitful life. Remain in Jesus; he remains in you. You will bear many fruits, you will have great joy, and your joy will be complete.

Notes from the installation of Ewan Kennedy as Senior Pastor for Church of the Redeemer

by Shari and John Thomas

For those of you who wanted the notes for the installation service, here it is. Believe it or not, it is possible to pass off the church you founded and be thrilled about it!

The Installation of Ewan Kennedy as Senior Pastor
For Church of the Redeemer
January 25, 2008

Intro to Installation Service

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Sound familiar?

That's the traditional introduction to a wedding.

There are two institutions God has given us that are tangible, visual pictures of our relationship to God. One institution is Marriage, the other is the Church.

And both are linked. They speak to one another and have similarities.

As Ewan wrote you this week, today we officially Install him as your pastor.

But this service of installation will look awfully familiar to you. It will remind you of a wedding, because in a real sense, that's what is happening here today. You are being married to Ewan.

Just like in a wedding, He will take vows to be faithful to you, and you, as the bride, will also take vows. You will pledge yourselves to each other today.

And just like in every wedding, a minister will help us through our parts.

So we have several ministers from our Presbytery, and even from Seattle, here today and they will assist in the official installation, wedding of Ewan as our pastor.

Then, Shari and I, as parents of the bride will charge and encourage you in your duties in this new marriage.

Finally we'll end with some smaltzy music, and big white cake, and champagne. And Ewan has to figure out how to get that crazy garter off of somebody.

Let us worship God for what he has done by taking our vows.

Charge to Church of the Redeemer

January 25, 2008

John:

There are two institutions God has given us that are tangible, visual pictures of our relationship to God. One institution is Marriage, the other is the Church.

Both mirror the relationship of the Trinity. Both are beautiful portrayals of our relationship with God. Throughout Scripture, beginning in Genesis we see the correlation of these two institutions and what they teach us about our relationship to God and God's relationship to us.

In Gen 2 when God performs the wedding of Adam and Eve, he tells us something of the ultimate nature of this relationship by what he tells them to do:

They are to leave and cleave and become one flesh.

He then gives them the goal of their union-to subdue and fill the earth. They don't exist for their own pleasure and happiness. They exist to manifest God in the world.

In the book of Acts, we see further revelation of who we are as the people of God-the church is his bride. And we, as a collective whole, are in relationship with God just as a bride and groom are in relationship with one another.

So when we see a marriage, either between two persons or when a church marries a pastor, it is not only for your own happiness and welfare.

It is always directed to the gladness of the nations. Your love and respect and one fleshedness is to serve others that they would know the love of Christ, their maker and Redeemer.

Shari:

Ten years ago, we participated with God in bringing you, this church, into existence. Yes, we fee like your parents. We conceived you, and that was the fun part. Then, in agony, we birthed you. During your toddler years, many times we wanted to send you back to God. It was hard.

But today we stand before you and can say, we are so proud of who you are.

So just as John and I will soon do with our daughter when she gets married, we want to ask you what God asks of you as a church as you take Ewan as your pastor.

Will you Leave and Cleave?

Will you Become one flesh?

Will you fill the earth?

Leave and Cleave:
Leaving and Cleaving to Ewan means you let go of John as your leader and allow Ewan to become your leader.

As you take Ewan as your pastor, your shepherd, you are switching your affections and your heart to him. In leaving and cleaving to him, this means you willingly choose to Follow Ewan and allow him to Lead you.

When Ewan brings changes to this church, which he will and which he needs to, do not throw in his face that its not the way John led. For some of you this will be good news. For others this will be hard.

If you don't like the change, or you don't understand it, you can talk to Ewan about it. Continue to give your input. But in vowing to follow him, this means you receive the changes that he brings and you support and work with him to make those changes come about. Its listening for the greater purpose of God's kingdom even if it's not what you wanted.

John: Leaving and Cleaving means you do not hover around the edges of the church to see if you like him and then just leave if you don't. You have just taken vows to love and honor each other and, therefore, you don't have the option to quietly run away.

And I know that scares the hell out of some of you. But listen to me: it is a good thing for you to give yourself to his care.

In so doing you are giving yourselves to God's care and allowing God, through this man, to care for your soul. If you've never given yourself to a pastor before in this way, please, for your sake and his, do so today. Let him lead you.

For postmodern Americans, I challenge you to do something outrageous: let go of your fear and your way of saving yourself and follow God by submitting to another person. In this case, to Ewan.
Will you Become one Flesh?
Shari: Figuratively this means to bind yourself to this man. As a church this means to commit to loving him, his wife, and his children. Whether they like it or not, being the Senior pastor and family means they are in the limelight. As their congregation, you have the power to make this a wonderful safe place for them, or a hell on earth. I am pleading with as your mother, to make this a loving church for Ewan, for Heather, for Calvin, Cooper, and Cannon.

In I John we read, "Love covers a multitude of sins." Love does not cover up sin, but it loves the person with their sins. When love covers, it means you don't point out their flaws to them or others. You don't come to Heather and tell her what is wrong with Ewan's leadership or try to give her ideas of how he can do it better.

That is manipulative and it's wrong.

Instead You cover their flaws in front of others. It means you forgive when they wrong you. It means you are for them. You're not out to get them or catch them when they screw up. It covers over their personality quirks. Love protects them from the harm of others. It stands up for them to other believers in our community and to those outside of our community of faith.

Elders, you need to go with Ewan to presbytery meetings. You need to stand with and for him when people malign him. To watch over his health, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

To really love them does not mean you have to be Ewan or Heather's friends. It means you allow them pick their own friends.

It also means you allow their children to experience Redeemer as their church too. Don't expect them to behave as good or better than your kids. Don't put them up as examples, whether good or bad, to your own children. Instead, receive them and care for them as you would want your own children cared for. Allow their parents to decide what church activities they will be involved in or not. And when you get upset at Ewan or Heather for something, Don't make their kids carry your offense by withdrawing from them. Stay engaged with them even when it's tough.

Love does not gossip. This means not only do you not speak badly about the Kennedy family, it also means if someone comes to you with a bad report, you are responsible to stop the gossip.

This is what that might sound like:

"Hey, I don't feel comfortable with this conversation." And if you've heard too much, you can say, "Since I already heard it, could you go back to the other people you talked to and correct it? Will you go to Ewan and confess that you sinned against him? If you are afraid, I'll go with you." That takes "gospel guts" and that is what love looks like.

If you disagree with something Ewan is doing, pray about it, and wait, and if you believe you should talk to him, set up an appointment. Do not talk to others and gain a following before you talk to him. That's how you stir up strife. Gossip is the evil one's way of destroying our church. We all have worked too hard to see it go up in the flames of gossip.

You may not know it, but Church of the Redeemer is on the radar screen in this community and in our denomination at large. The old guard doesn't think post-moderns can follow leaders or love them well. Be radical, bust the myths. For the sake of the kingdom, love this man and his family well. As you do, it will be a joy and a privilege for him to lead you. He can only lead if you will follow. Choose today to follow him.
Subduing/Filling the Earth
John: When I speak of subduing the earth, I mean taming the wildness and cruelty of it. Making it what it was created to be. And the bride of Christ does much of that hard work by prayer. May you indeed become a people of prayer, bringing in the kingdom through your prayers and supplications for Ewan, for your life together, for your Spirit-enabled ministry in this city.

The last command is to fill the earth: by this I point to your task of joining with your pastor and to the life-giving ministry of the gospel to this city, in such a way that many are born into the kingdom. By your love, your service, your hospitality, your art, your generous giving, your work and your words, may you populate this city, may you fill it with children of the kingdom.

When this church was officially organized in 2000, one of the minister's at that service encouraged you with Jesus' parable of the Shepherd who leaves the 99 and goes out in search of the 1 lost sheep.

I want to remind you of that and challenge you to break the mold of that parable. Dare to be more than a flock of 99 who wait and wonder, "Where is that shepherd? Why did he leave us? Is that one sinful sheep more important than all of us? Aren't we paying him to take care of us?"

Dare to leave the safety of the flock yourselves and go out with the shepherd Jesus, and his under-shepherd Ewan, to seek and save, not yourselves, but those who are lost.

Together, may you fill the earth with new disciples of Jesus and thus, make the nations glad.

We have parented you for these 10 years. We have witnessed our Father do wonderful things among us and in us.

And now we joyfully give you to your new under-shepherd, Ewan.

May you be filled with gladness. May you know the Spirit's renewing presence among you, even as you live out your calling to be his church in this city.

Amen.

Shari and John Thomas

Parakaleo Sampler Story

Parakaleo Sampler Story (1,177 kb; Adobe PDF Document)

Quotes

"You cannot not minister if you are in communion with God and live in community....If you are burning with the love of Jesus, don't worry: everyone will know. They will say, 'I want to get close to this person who is so full of God.'"

by Henri Nouwen

"Busyness is the enemy of spirituality. It is essentially laziness. It is doing the easy thing instead of the hard thing. It is filling our time with our own actions instead of paying attention to God's actions. It is taking charge."

by Eugene H. Peterson

"Ultimate worship takes place when we, like children, find ourselves climbing into the lap of our heavenly Father with the desire just to be with Him. At that moment, there is no agenda other than to sit in His presence, to love Him, to whisper in His ear our gratitude, to feel His face, to hear His heart, to rest in His embrace, to enjoy the moment, and to understand more fully the God Who yearns to enjoy us.

Worship is the affection for God in the hearts of His people - and it is ultimately a window through which we see the face of God, experience the heart of our Lord Jesus Christ and sense the movement of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We seek, we come and we reach to the God Who wants to meet us where we are. At that moment, we see Who God is, realize who we are, and accept who He desires us to become. This is transformation from the old into the new spirit born through faith in Jesus Christ." With our God, moving into His presence, we can lose our own agenda, put it aside, and let Him hold and love us. We feel the everlasting arms all around us (Deuteronomy 33:27) quieting us, and feel Him lifting our cares, refreshing and renewing our minds and spirit. This calls for a heart that values and trusts God above all else, though sometimes we must say, like the father of the seriously ill child said to Jesus in the NT - "Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief."

by George Skramstad

"So often I felt like God had gone on vacation to Bermuda and left me to do all His work. 'Father, I'm tired of just knowing ABOUT You, talking ABOUT You and teaching ABOUT You. I want to know YOU and I want to pay whatever price that will cost. Come and reveal Yourself to me.' What did happen was neither a vision nor a voice from heaven nor a powerful manifestation of God's Spirit, but God began to work in a subtle way in my life. I began taking more time just to be quiet before Him. I started reading less theology and more of the great devotional classics. I began to do less "jabbering" or "blithering" before God and started listening and adoring instead. And slowly I have found the Father answering my prayer that I might know Him. For the first time in my life, I am able now and then to say, 'This morning I was with the Father.' The Bible has become more alive than ever before. Even my theological books have become more than just systems of doctrine: they are descriptions of the One I know and love. It's one thing to know the truth about someone. It's quite another thing to know the person to whom the truth refers."

by Steve Brown (Newsletter)

"The Lord desires intensely that we love Him and seek His company. So much so that from time to time He calls us to draw near to Him. The call comes through words spoken by other good people, or through sermons, or through what is read in books, or through the many things that are heard and by which God calls, or by illnesses or trials, or in enjoying the beauty of creation, or also through a truth that He teaches during the brief moments we spend in prayer."

by Theresa de Avila (1515-1582)

"It is within this inner stillness, within this utter quietness, within this sweet solitude, that the Spirit of the living God speaks most clearly to our spirits. It is there, alone with Him, that He makes Himself real to us. It is there we 'see' Him, most acutely with the inner eyes of our awakened conscience. It is there He communes with us, calmly through the inner awareness of His presence, speaking to us with ever-deepening conviction by His own wondrous word.

For the man or woman who has come to know and love the Lord God in the depths of such intimacy, the times of solitude are the most precious in all of life. They are a rendezvous with the Beloved. They are anticipated with eagerness. They are awaited with expectancy ... For the person who has found in God a truly loving heavenly Father, gentle interludes with Him alone are highlights of life. For the one who has found Christ the dearest friend among all the children of earth, quiet times in His company are the oases of life. For the individual conscious of the comradeship of God's gracious Spirit in the stillness of solitude, these intervals are the elixir of life."

by Phillip Keller

Readings

Church Planting/ Mentoring

Langberg, Diane, Counsel for Pastor's Wives. Zondervan. 1988.
A licensed psychologist, Dr. Diane Langberg offers godly counsel and realistic answers to fourteen often-asked questions from pastor's wives.

Garriott, Maria, A Thousand Resurrections, An Urban Spiritual Journey. Riott publishing, LLC: 2006. http://www.athousandresurrections.com
Maria beautifully weaves together the seasons of mothering, womanhood and community service in the complex context of urban ministry. Facing the often painful realities of unrealized dreams for our families and our churches, Maria courageously shares her journey of heartbreaks and grief along with the tremendous joy and hope that lies at the heart of all stories of transformation.

Guenther, Margaret, The Art of Holy Listening. http://www.christianbooks.com
The former director of the Center for Christian Spirituality at General Theological Seminary in NYC outlines the implications of spiritual director as host, teacher, and midwife. She also addresses questions relating to time, setting, and privacy, well as problems for female directors.

Kise, Jane A.G., Stark, David, and Hirsch, Sandra Krebs. LifeKeys: Discover Who You Are. Bethany House Publishers. 2005.
God's design for each of us is as unique as our fingerprints and it's not all about church planting. This engaging guide gives you the tolls you need to discover the one-of-a-kind person your Creator intends you to be.

Scazzero, Peter, The Emotionally Healthy Church. Zondervan. 2003.
This book comes highly recommended for all church planting couples. It gives practical guidelines for staying emotionally connected to people without denying personal boundaries.

Sheveland, Dawn, Personal Training Tools for Ministry Wives. Communications, Baptist General Conference. 2002.
http://www.bgcworld.org/cservice/woman/personal.htm

Thomas, Shari, Stress and Satisfaction Levels of Church Planter Spouses 2005. shari@parakaleo.us

Thompson, J. Allen, Coaching City Church Planters. Redeemer Church Planting Center. 2005. http://www.redeemer.com

Marriage and Family

Allender, Dan and Longman, Tremper, Intimate Allies. Tyndale House. 1994.
A biblical examination of spousal identity, roles, and intimacy. Lengthy, but great insights.

London, H.B. and Wiseman, Neil B., Married to a Pastor. Regal, 1999.
Practical ideas blended with encouraging stories on partnering in ministry and marriage.

Mason, Mike, Mystery of Marriage. Multnomah Press, 1985.
A profound and beautiful book.

Tripp, Paul David, Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company, 1997.
This book is filled with hope for the hearts of parents regardless of the age of your children.

Wangerin, Walter, As For Me and My House. Thomas Nelson, 1990.
A literary delight with an authentic discussion of what makes for a healthy marriage. The strong section on the work of forgiveness is especially helpful for church planting marriages.

Sexual Addictions

Larkin, Nate The Samson Brotherhood/Sisterhood http://www.natelarkin.com
A Gospel approach to sexual addictions

Stone Gate Resources- pointing people away from sexual brokenness to restored intimacy with God and others. http://www.stonegateresources.org 303-688-5680 Email: stonegateoffice@cs.com

Welch, Ed. A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel. P&R Publishing, 2001.
'Will we worship ourselves and our own desires or will we worship the true God?" The best book available on dealing with addictions.

Soul Care

Allender, Dan B. PhD, The Healing Path. WaterBrook Press. 1999.
An excellent read for making sense of your life!

Allender, Dan B. PhD, To Be Told. WaterBrook Press. 2005.
We all share the unavoidable experience of pain and disappointment in life. Dan writes with skill and understanding, bringing us down the path towards healing. An excellent guide as we journey through past and current heartaches.

Chapman, Steven Curtis and Smith, Scotty., Restoring Broken Things. Integrity Publishers. 2005.
Jesus has come to set you free and give you a chance to join the permanent cast in God's unfolding drama.

Miller, John C., Heart of a Servant Leader. P&R Publishing Company, 2004.
Pastoral letters written by Jack Miller and edited by his daughter, Barbara. These letters provide counsel on ministry issues, overcoming sin, spiritual warfare, and suffering, to name a few.

Miller, Rose Marie. From Fear to Freedom: Living as Sons and Daughters of God. Harold Shaw Publishers. 1994.
A must-read book for all who struggle with feeling out of control, exhausted with ministry, and struggling to love the many people in their lives.

Nouwen, Henri J.M., Making All Things New. Harper San Francisco, 1981.
This short, simple book offers soul care for the weary. Nouwen takes us to the words of Jesus, "Do not worry..." and walks us step by step through Matthew 6:31-33.

Smed, John F. Seven Days of Prayer with Jesus. Grace Vancouver Church. 2006. gracevan@telus.net
John and Caron planted Grace Vancouver with the conviction that prayer is essential to all we do. This guide walks us through the 7 phrases of the Lords prayer. Not only is this a powerful guide for your personal prayer life but an excellent prayer guide for core groups and churches.

Research Findings on Church Planting Spouses

by Shari Thomas

For a complete copy of the research project go to www.pca-mna.org and click on church planting wives ministry.

The following factors provided the greatest sources of satisfaction or stress for the church planting spouse. These findings resulted from a research study done in 2005 in North American among PCA church planting spouses of various ethnicities in urban and suburban settings.

Primary Sources

The husband-the person and work of the husband as he is involved/uninvolved with his wife.

The lack of a support system not only increases loneliness and isolation for the wife, it puts added pressure on the marriage. If a clergy couple is relying primarily on each other for support, the marriage may function well most of the time, yet a narrow support system will become a problem when either one is not able to fulfill that role (McMinn 2004).

"We have a strong marriage and I know my husband is committed to me. If I weren't called to do this type of work, he would quit. We both have a profound respect that God has called us together as one flesh and He will not pull us in different directions. My husband practices the scripture of laying down his life for me as Christ laid down His life for the church. I can submit to that kind of husband."

Support System

The major factor which restricts clergy spouses from experiencing the support they need is that their primary support system comes from their husbands-men who tend to be absent from the home evenings and weekends. The study also indicates that wives do not talk about their husband since this could jeopardize his career (McMinn, 2004).

"It would have been most helpful if I had connection with other church planting spouses early on."

Sabbath Rest

"The highest levels of exhaustion were caused by overextending ourselves because of perceived expectations that we feared we were not meeting. Overall, we were not trusting the Lord."

"We did not take regular days off or vacations. Nor did we know about keeping boundaries. So a lot has been learned and changed over the years."

Reliance on Christ

"I attribute my spiritual and emotional health to daily repentance, and to understanding how great my sin is, to the ability to laugh, and balancing my heart for the church with the fact that the church is not my life or my significance."

"...it is God alone, salvation, prayer, his goodness, his very presence in the Spirit."

"While I give head assent to relying on Christ, my life style shows my functional belief system which is in myself and human effort".

Boundary Ambiguity-

Ambiguity is endemic to ministry. To the clergy family, the system is not clear. All members of the family participate either directly or indirectly in the church. There is some role expectation of the congregation which must be fulfilled by the minister, his spouse, and even his children. This level of ambiguity causes high levels of stress for clergy spouses (Lee, 1988).

Role Ambiguity

"My greatest challenge has been how the ambiguous role of the cp spouse would affect me. The struggle of knowing church planting was my passion, being trained in ministry, and yet not knowing how to interface this without having a defined position was difficult. I often functionally operated as an assistant minister yet without title, pay, or decision making power."

Emotional Ambiguity

"How much should my husband tell me? I realize I am his primary support, but it's hard to love people well when I know how they have hurt him."

Physical Ambiguity

The constant unknowns of facility and where we will be located coupled with the constant unknowns of who will stay and who will leave the church plant has been my biggest challenge."

Physical health- balanced or unbalanced health

60% of cp spouses reported leading more than one major ministry in the church plant

or community along with being involved in 2-3 other ministries. It is no surprise they report exhaustion and often burn out in ministry.

Secondary Sources

Changed lives

"Walking with people in their journey and seeing their lives changed because of the existence of our church is incredibly exciting."

"Transformed lives, mine and others, have been the greatest source of satisfaction."

Commitment and sense of call to church planting

"What is our major calling if we have other passions? How do we balance this with the demands church planting places on us?"

"I feel just as called to church planting as my husband. We are both in this together."

Family Time

"My husband keeps his day off and is intentional about building a relationship with our boys. We work hard to build a family focus, identity, and history."

"I don't show the kids my unhappiness with their dads lack of participating in our family life. I feel like he spiritually takes care of the church and I take care of the family."

Raising kids

"I really suffer here...often my husband is not a part of what we do as a family. When the church is struggling, the less my husband does for and with the family and the more he wants me to focus on helping him with the ministry."

"He helps us apply the word to our lives as we go...in devotional time, in the car, around the table."

Church growth

"Having come from a large church it has been discouraging to see the slow growth."

Expectations- from/of self and others

"I didn't realize how high my expectations were of others. It took me time to realize not everyone has the same calling I have but also that some may not be passionate about seeing others come to know Christ."

"I have been disappointed with the lack of responsibility and loyalty some people have".

Finances

"Church planting is like starting a business only after the hard work we don't get the financial payback. It's hard to give our blood, sweat, and tears to this type of work and not have some sort of financial outcome that we can then pass on to our kids."

Use of gifts and abilities

"I thought I would have an opportunity to use my gifts but with the exhaustion my husband experiences, the needs of our kids, and without having other leaders, most of my time is spent in areas the church needs but not where I'm passionate."

The Hope of Marriage

In one month's time I had heard of several marriages that were imploding. Then news of yet another came across my email. And this particular marital implosion has placed me in a front row seat to witness, weep, and hope as the drama unfolds. How I long for the play in front of me to conclude in a brilliant act of redemption. How I hope the curtain will not fall on one more tragedy.

Whether you, too, are in a front row seat, are watching from the balcony, or are hearing reports of the sad news, what has been your response? Have you felt a sense of heightened fear? Have you wanted to do something to raise the odds of success for your own marriage?

Of course a season like this makes us want to take a good look at our marriages and wonder what shape they are truly in. Of course we hope to avoid the pain we witness.

Many years ago, in the darkest hours of my marriage, I shared with a close friend where my husband and I happened to find ourselves. She kept asking, "How do you think you got here? Where do you think you went wrong?" I had an idea that I probably had no idea how we had gotten to the place we were, but I threw out a few things I imagine hadn't helped. My friend responded with sympathy and then added, "My husband and I need to watch for that in our marriage so we can make sure we never get to the place you guys are at."

I understood my friend's reflex to take stock, strategize, and implement any possible measures to protect, preserve, and safeguard her marriage. But marriage is not that simple. There are no guarantees that carefully applied prevention, perseverance, or devoted energy will give us the outcome we desire.

Are there ways to protect, heal, care for, and be mindful of our marriages? Absolutely. Is it within our power to safeguard our marriages enough that they endure? Absolutely not. Even if you or I could manage our part flawlessly (wouldn't that be something!)--we still live with spouses who are free to make their own choices. And these choices include walking away from marriage.

So what are we left with? A flimsy, "Let's all hope for the best?" No. We hope for something much greater. We hope for a God who meets us and provides for us and cares for us regardless of the circumstances or successes of our marriages.

At one point my counselor looked at me and said, "You don't believe that if your husband isn't caring for you, you will still be cared for. You don't believe that if your husband doesn't love you, you will still be loved." I wanted to say, "Yeah, and your point is?" That's exactly what I believed. I had no idea what it would look like to find God's provision, comfort, and care apart from the thing I wanted so badly. I imagined God as nothing more than a feeble consolation prize if he didn't deliver the successful marriage I felt I needed in order to live.

I had spent years doing everything I could to improve and heal my marriage. My last hope was that my husband would do the same (as if he hadn't also been trying for years), that he would do it well, and that his efforts and mine would add up to be just what our marriage needed. But it wasn't working.

Wasn't it mature faith to believe God had this good thing for us? Isn't that one of the ways God brings glory to himself, by showcasing fabulous Christian marriages? I had devoted myself to a God who, I was sure, was going to redeem and heal my marriage. I had even come to a new place of willingness to be led through this dry, barren desert for longer than I felt I had originally agreed to, but with one stipulation-that my long and arduous journey would end with a romantic dinner at a table for two next to a cool, bubbling spring surrounded by giant trees offering bounteous shade.

What I had done was drawn a line in the sand of my desert. This far and no further, I told God. I will trust you, follow you, and lean on you if you bring healing and new life to my marriage. But I cannot trust you if this ends, or worse yet, if it continues unchanged. How could this hope for my marriage not be reasonable? My hope was reasonable, but I had long ago moved from hope to demand. I might as well have pasted up my own ransom note to God. "Deliver this particular marriage to this particular spot at this particular time, or you'll never see my trusting heart again." And with that I had scratched my pitiful line in the sand, put my hands on my hips, and stomped my little foot.

I imagine you know what I am talking about. What are the lines you have drawn in the sand of your desert? Perhaps they are about the impact of your marriage on your ministry; you will let God work in your marriage, but not at any cost to your church. Or perhaps they are about the lengths you will allow God to go. Redemption? Yes. As long as it is this side of divorce. Or perhaps they involve your children. Are you determined to protect them from something you actually cannot shelter them from, or that God may indeed expose them to?

What does God do with the tantrum lines we draw in the sand? He takes a deep breath and gently blows them away. Although these erasures feel like death itself, they are actually the life-breath of God's kindness. Not only does he begin to free us from the pitiful limitations of our scraggly lines, he refuses to be hemmed in as he does it. And he invites us to something we could never imagine.

He dares us to gather up our "reasonable" plans, our essential ministries, and even our good hopes for the well-being of our children, and asks us to gamble it all on one sure thing: himself. Over time we realize this divine gamble actually becomes the one thing we cannot lose.

He becomes our one sure thing.

Here's the thing about God, he gives and he takes and he redeems. And we can never demand or guarantee what that will look like, except that in whatever we are given, and in whatever is taken from us, and in whatever we continue to long and hope for, he remains. And then one day we see and believe and rejoice that his acts of love and comfort and provision have outnumbered the grains of sand in the deserts we have so longed to escape.

In the end, we do come to our oasis: a spring of living water, the plenteous shade of his presence, and a feast laid out just for us--his dearly beloved.

Videos

The Five Stages of Church Planting (4,214 kb; Windows Media Video)

What church planting couples are doing to nourish their marriages

Sample collection from 2005 research: A study of PCA church planter spouse stress and satisfaction levels

by Shari Thomas

Marriage quiet times. We try to do this daily or several times a week. We save our marital issues for this time so we don't sabotage each others days and also so we insure we take time to listen and talk with each other.
Weekly planning time with spouse for our marriage, family, and ministry. When we work on our shared vision it's tremendously inspiring to me.
Quarterly retreats- 2-3 days away without kids.
Ministering together. We feast with those inside and outside the community of faith.
We keep exploring our knowledge of the other and take turns planning the outing for the other person.
Exploring our sexuality. Knowing each other's histories and aware that our sexuality is an indicator of how we are doing in other areas of life.
Taking Sonship together
Counseling
Practicing Sabbath keeping- we take another day in the week to observe the Sabbath.
Laughter- we take off and let down with another church planting couple or just with each other. We have fun, laugh a lot, go to movies.
Recreation- especially when we are in intense ministry, it's a must. We bike with our kids, go get drinks together and basically find divergence from the things that make us angry and sad.
Good beer and cigars!
Praying with and for one another. Sometimes, it's just catching the person before they run out the door and praying briefly, other times it's intense warfare praying, asking others to join us, prayer walking etc.
My husband and I spend a lot of time together working and playing. We have regular dates and family times.
My husband spends time with our kids and me talking to us about heart issues in the daily coming and going of life. He is a great source of nourishment for my soul.
The deep intimate relationships we have developed on our leadership team at church provides nourishment for our marriage. We value a biblical functioning community!
We call it porch time. We do our best talking after the kids are in bed sitting outside away from the flurry of activities.
My husband includes me in our denomination's assemblies, presbytery, and conferences. In this way I stay passionate about ministry and we share a common life mission.
We have a profound respect that God has called us together to ministry. If I weren't called also to this, he would quit and vice versa. My husband practices the scripture of laying down his life for me as Christ laid down his life for the church.
We have sex frequently, date often, and work at remaining best friends. We talk about heart issues with foot rubs and talks each evening.
With 4 children and the intensity of ministry, we plan weekly time together. We get up early to pray and we have a weekly lunch date.
We get away for 2 weeks every year to the beach even if it means going into debt! This is a non-negotiable for us being in ministry!
We keep boundaries on how many nights we are out each week.
My husband knows how to say 'no' to people. He screens phone calls and keeps good boundaries.
My husband does not talk about me or the kids to the session, to others at church, or about us from the pulpit.
We limit 'ministry talk' at home or when we are together.
We spend time together in the word and in prayer.
When my husband has evening meetings he comes home early to spend time with me and/or the kids before he is out for the night.

What I wish I had known about Church Planting

Given at the Global Church Advancement Training
February 1, 2008

by Shari Thomas

I wish someone would have told us, that we both would need a support system greater than just each other.

...that we would need coaches and mentors, and we should plan at more than one stage in the journey on getting counseling....and when we didn't have this support system it would be up to us to seek it out!
I would have greatly benefited knowing that we needed to come to a mutual understanding and commitment about what my involvement in the church plant would be.

...that pursuing and nurturing my gifts was as important as nurturing his

...that we would often need to review this involvement through out the stages of church planting and seasons of life...that when the children were young, my husband and children would require and need most of my time. I wish he'd known how much I would need his support in sticking to these commitments rather than both of us rescuing ministries and people when they floundered.
I longed for someone to gently come alongside me and remind me again and again that what my husband needs from me most is love and respect.

He can find coaches, teachers, nags and critics in countless places. He already has one mother. And when it's late at night and we are falling into bed that this is not the time or place to hear one more idea on how to make the church successful!

But at the same time I also wished he'd known how very important it was for he and I to have our weekly "staff" times to talk about how the church and family life intersected . I was a part of the church planting team and needed to know about the plant, give my input and have a place on the team. I wish we had spoken more openly about this to our staff as they too needed to work thru their understanding of my role on the church planting team.
If I had known that my heart as well as his and our kids would be hurt, angry, and almost torn in two by this ministry we might not have planted a church.

....but we also may never have learned the delight and satisfaction of pointing each other to Jesus, to the hope that only the gospel brings, and the deep joy of leading others to this hope..

...if we hadn't planted I don't know if we would ever have known the joy of watching the people we had led to Christ then turn and point our hearts to Jesus during our dark hours.
We would have benefited from being told that the question "should we stay in this church?" will be one that will haunt us through out our ministry lives.

I was not prepared for him rolling over in bed doubting his call. I didn't know we would question if God had brought us here...that when my husband's passion and energy for the church plant was waxing, mine might be waning and vice versa. It would have been helpful to know this was normative.
I am thankful that someone told us we would have to work harder for a marriage where there is spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy than we would have to work at planting the church.

...that this would involve sacrifice on both of our parts, and it would be well worth it.

...that this would mean being honest about the damage we both do to one another and then seeking reconciliation to whatever point was needed for the sake of the other.

...that repentance involved not a simple "I'm sorry" but asking the other person to tell how we had harmed them and to listen without defending . That it would mean doing this over and over in our marriage.

...that it would mean being willing to give up church planting, even leaving ministry for the sake of loving the other person.
I am glad he learned early on that church planting gave him great freedom to creatively mold his schedule to fit the needs of both his family and the church.

I am grateful he takes time from church ministry to pour into the lives of our kids: working on school projects, creating feasts in the kitchen, taking vacations, catching the latest blockbuster, filling their lives with music, asking them the tough questions, drawing out their hearts, repenting openly before them....I love watching their eyes fill with pride when they introduce their friends to their dad. Nothing draws my heart to him more than that he loves our children so well.

And at the same time when both he and I love our kids poorly, that
I really wish I had known that the Christian life and Church planting was not about working so hard to get it right, be right, and do right. That it was not my job to perfect myself. That even learning the gospel was not another tool to add to my arsenal of how to live a better life.

But it was church planting that finally brought me to the realization that I can't change myself. That it's not about what others say about me. That Jesus has already said, "It is finished.". That God's verdict spoken over me comes before any of my performance, before I ever started on this journey of church planting.

...he delights in me already!

If I had known this, I would have enjoyed life so much more. But the journey isn't finished and I'm planning on joining the party more these days.
But I am most grateful that my husband keeps learning that no one can pursue, strongly lead and cherish me the way he can.

...that when I'm withdrawn and discouraged, his gentle wooing speaks volumes...when I'm masking deep hurt with anger, his strong, consistent pursuit melts me like nothing else

...when darkness has masked Jesus face, I have felt another strong hand leading me home

....and when it's all said and done, and we are at The Great Marriage Feast I will recognize the tastes and sounds and smells. The dance will be vaguely familiar... for hints of the realm unknown have drifted across the border land. And I have caught glimpses of what is yet to come for so many of you, my friends, my church family, my kids and my husband have shown me the way.